Chasing Rabbits in Wonderland
Online dating has manufactured a new breed of men to be included in the very long list of types that come under the heading: "MEN WHO ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR RELATIONSHIPS". I have named them Wonderlanders for reasons which will soon become apparent. I'm sure that in university lecture theatres sociologists will someday soon refer to these men and muse over whether it is technology which created them or simply gave them an ideal environment in which to thrive. Both my best friend and I have both encountered this particular specimen of online male so I feel justified in generalising - particularly if it helps someone to identify one more quickly.
If I were to write an ethnographic definition it would go as follows:
Wonderlanders: Sensitive, shy, techno-savvy males who prefer to conduct social relations in virtual reality so as to disguise the fact they are not as sexy as they fantasise themselves to be. Prone to emotional outbursts, continually require reassurance, in close contact with their mothers via email. They prefer to conduct their entire lives from a keyboard and while they desire relations with women, are convinced that meeting one in real life will possibly result in rejection, organ failure and the annhilation of mankind.
My friend has tolerated her Wonderlander for longer than I have. She was attracted by the way he heaped flatterring praise on her, was always available to talk to online and seemed very serious about meeting her. A year later, she has told me that after countless broken promises of the long-awaited and extremely overdue 'date' (if she were Rapunzel she would have been able to make a ladder out of her own hair by now) she has told him to forget it. Apparently, he broke down in tears over the phone begging her forgiveness and hoping hope-against-hope that she would be patient enough for him to arrange an interstate visit.
I told her not to worry.
I had already met the same type of guy months previously who seemed to be everything I loved. He was diligent in maintaining contact, sending text messages on special occasions, exchanging photos and being perfectly charming. All the time he danced around the act of asking me out on a date. He would begin to ask about my availability then quickly shy away to another topic. Patiently I waited then one day I said that I was no longer comfortable with flirting with someone I had never met. He agreed and we made plans to catch a movie the following Sunday. Sunday came and he sent me a text message saying he would have to postpone the date. Alarm bell one. When I got online he reluctantly revealed that he had cancelled the date to talk to his mother. Alarm bell two. After a bit he then revealed that he had to talk to his mother about travelling to Bangkok soon. Alarm bell three. Then it all came out - he needed to travel to Bangkok to get his receding hairline treated, that he had a foot fetish, he was actually two years older than it stated in his profile and that he didn't look half as cool in real life as he did in his picture. By this time the alarm bells had turned into Fort Knox in shutdown mode. "Abort conversation! Abort conversation!" my head screamed but instead I graciously reassured him and said the obligatory things such as, "Let's just meet up first - hey, I might not be all you imagine either."
I never could have imagined things could get that weird.
I've concluded from my experience and my friend's, that we are experiencing a new sort of guy out there - not a predator, and not even dangerous but just strange and shy and completely gutless when it comes to women.
So if you suspect you have encountered a Wonderlander (so named after the land that Alice had adventures in) the litmus test for it is this:
Ask them to meet you in real life. If they hedge, hesitate, waiver, make excuses or just don't show up then you have a fair dinkum Wonderlander. They are only available for digital dating and any silly hopes you might have of anything more substantial than the caressing of fingers over keypads is in vain.
Wonderland is not such a bad place but just like Alice you will soon be looking for a way out.
If I were to write an ethnographic definition it would go as follows:
Wonderlanders: Sensitive, shy, techno-savvy males who prefer to conduct social relations in virtual reality so as to disguise the fact they are not as sexy as they fantasise themselves to be. Prone to emotional outbursts, continually require reassurance, in close contact with their mothers via email. They prefer to conduct their entire lives from a keyboard and while they desire relations with women, are convinced that meeting one in real life will possibly result in rejection, organ failure and the annhilation of mankind.
My friend has tolerated her Wonderlander for longer than I have. She was attracted by the way he heaped flatterring praise on her, was always available to talk to online and seemed very serious about meeting her. A year later, she has told me that after countless broken promises of the long-awaited and extremely overdue 'date' (if she were Rapunzel she would have been able to make a ladder out of her own hair by now) she has told him to forget it. Apparently, he broke down in tears over the phone begging her forgiveness and hoping hope-against-hope that she would be patient enough for him to arrange an interstate visit.
I told her not to worry.
I had already met the same type of guy months previously who seemed to be everything I loved. He was diligent in maintaining contact, sending text messages on special occasions, exchanging photos and being perfectly charming. All the time he danced around the act of asking me out on a date. He would begin to ask about my availability then quickly shy away to another topic. Patiently I waited then one day I said that I was no longer comfortable with flirting with someone I had never met. He agreed and we made plans to catch a movie the following Sunday. Sunday came and he sent me a text message saying he would have to postpone the date. Alarm bell one. When I got online he reluctantly revealed that he had cancelled the date to talk to his mother. Alarm bell two. After a bit he then revealed that he had to talk to his mother about travelling to Bangkok soon. Alarm bell three. Then it all came out - he needed to travel to Bangkok to get his receding hairline treated, that he had a foot fetish, he was actually two years older than it stated in his profile and that he didn't look half as cool in real life as he did in his picture. By this time the alarm bells had turned into Fort Knox in shutdown mode. "Abort conversation! Abort conversation!" my head screamed but instead I graciously reassured him and said the obligatory things such as, "Let's just meet up first - hey, I might not be all you imagine either."
I never could have imagined things could get that weird.
I've concluded from my experience and my friend's, that we are experiencing a new sort of guy out there - not a predator, and not even dangerous but just strange and shy and completely gutless when it comes to women.
So if you suspect you have encountered a Wonderlander (so named after the land that Alice had adventures in) the litmus test for it is this:
Ask them to meet you in real life. If they hedge, hesitate, waiver, make excuses or just don't show up then you have a fair dinkum Wonderlander. They are only available for digital dating and any silly hopes you might have of anything more substantial than the caressing of fingers over keypads is in vain.
Wonderland is not such a bad place but just like Alice you will soon be looking for a way out.
