New Year's and Glow-In-The-Dark-Willies
We were in the outback and the New Year's Eve Party was ironically, a beach party theme. Our country music friend had supplied us with straw hats with shells attached. They smelt so much like straw that a blind person would have mistaken me for a bale of hay.
Due to our 'I'm-with-the-band' status our drinks were on the house. We had plenty of spare time and nerves to kill so I got stuck into liquers and cocktails. Everyone was gathered in their cosy cliques and we feared spending the entire night in our lonely little clique of two.
After about an hour, two guys had summoned the courage to sway towards us. This courage had been developing since 10am when they had started drinking so we rewarded it with some polite conversation.
Not long after we were rescued by a guy who like the first two, asked if we were backup singers. "No!" we replied in practised unison. He offerred to introduce us to a considerably more sober segment of the party and I almost cried with relief saying, "Yes! Yes! Please! That would be wonderful!" My friend was still bailed up by one of the intoxicated locals so I was introduced to a couple visiting from Perth who looked just as apprehensive as we did, a guy from Toowoomba who was very studious, and then a tall, muscular guy called Nick*. Nick immediately strode forward, took my hand and leant toward my cheek. Momentarily closing my eyes he turned his mouth onto mine before swiftly retreating. It was enormously bold but so skillfully accomplished I found it endearing of him (cheeky bugger). "He's gay." announced my friend. Moments later he corrected that, "Nah, he's actually married to that girl there." I instantly felt a pang of cold dread. Only minutes into meeting people and I was in danger of becoming party enemy no 1. in the eyes of every female here. Good one.
The same man who introduced me to Nick soon introduced me to Adam*. After about half an hour's lively conversation with this guy who was starting to take a keen interest in everything I said he suddenly looked self-conscious and introduced me to his wife. I turned in horror. She had been sitting on a bar stool right behind me the whole time while her husband and I had positioned our glowsticks on our groins and waggled our glow-in-the-dark-willies at one another. She didn't look happy to meet me but simply shrugged when I shouted with enormous tact, "I HOPE IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE I'M CHATTING UP YOUR HUSBAND!" Instead of shoving my glow-in-the-dark-willie up my derriere she waved her hand in an apparent lack of concern. It then hit home to me that in a place where occasions to chat to the opposite sex are about as common as caffe lattes you let the leash out a fair bit. Nevertheless I felt distinctly uncomfortable for the rest of the night as I regularly spied Adam staring at me from across the room with the sort of wide-open longing I get when I see a chocolate fountain.
Soon a game began of grab-the-boiled-egg-out-of-the-swimming-pool-filled-with-jelly-and-tough-luck-if-you-pick-a-raw-one in which a plucky jillaroo won. Her chances of survival had been pretty slim as four full-grown men dove headfirst into the toddler's pool with her. I personally felt she also deserved a Medal of Bravery.
Then there was a true outback party game called we-couldn't-afford-a-mechanical-bull-so-pretend-you-are-riding-one-and-the-best-impression-wins. After this I joined in a game of limbo which didn't last very long for me because I had just downed a schooner-sized Blue Lagoon after they ran out of cocktail glasses - I called it a Blue $*@# Ocean and drank it like the proverbial fish.
After a couple of daiquiris I hit the dancefloor with some of the girls. Then Nick danced with me in a quaint, old-fashioned two-step with plenty of twirling and a warm embrace at the end. "Thank you darling." I whispered in his ear, feeling positive that a man who has biceps the size of telegraph poles, and irons his jeans must be thorougly playing the other side of the paddock. But soon after, a girl who had befriended me said, "He's shagging that girl." and nodded in the direction of someone who was definitely female and most definitely not his 'wife'.
What I quickly realised was that in this tight-knit community there was no running from your past. My friend had a boyfriend who was draped over another girl quite suggestively on the dancefloor. I joked, "Maybe he needs a New Year's Resolution not to dance with other girls." She replied with resignation, "He was going out with her when we hooked up so..." The rest was lost in the noise but I could fill in the gaps for myself. In a small population of eligible partners a certain amount of tolerance was required to keep the community together. Caring is sharing after all.
At 7am I stumbled into my train carriage. Completely composed, I bumped my way down the corridor walls until I realised I had gone the wrong way. After trying both directions twice, I finally fell against the wall of the bathroom and enjoyed a sobering wash. I then slithered into my bunk and remained there for much of the trip home. Here's to the outback and here's to 2007. May your bore water never smell like blood and may your glow stick willies shine on forever...
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Due to our 'I'm-with-the-band' status our drinks were on the house. We had plenty of spare time and nerves to kill so I got stuck into liquers and cocktails. Everyone was gathered in their cosy cliques and we feared spending the entire night in our lonely little clique of two.
After about an hour, two guys had summoned the courage to sway towards us. This courage had been developing since 10am when they had started drinking so we rewarded it with some polite conversation.
Not long after we were rescued by a guy who like the first two, asked if we were backup singers. "No!" we replied in practised unison. He offerred to introduce us to a considerably more sober segment of the party and I almost cried with relief saying, "Yes! Yes! Please! That would be wonderful!" My friend was still bailed up by one of the intoxicated locals so I was introduced to a couple visiting from Perth who looked just as apprehensive as we did, a guy from Toowoomba who was very studious, and then a tall, muscular guy called Nick*. Nick immediately strode forward, took my hand and leant toward my cheek. Momentarily closing my eyes he turned his mouth onto mine before swiftly retreating. It was enormously bold but so skillfully accomplished I found it endearing of him (cheeky bugger). "He's gay." announced my friend. Moments later he corrected that, "Nah, he's actually married to that girl there." I instantly felt a pang of cold dread. Only minutes into meeting people and I was in danger of becoming party enemy no 1. in the eyes of every female here. Good one.
The same man who introduced me to Nick soon introduced me to Adam*. After about half an hour's lively conversation with this guy who was starting to take a keen interest in everything I said he suddenly looked self-conscious and introduced me to his wife. I turned in horror. She had been sitting on a bar stool right behind me the whole time while her husband and I had positioned our glowsticks on our groins and waggled our glow-in-the-dark-willies at one another. She didn't look happy to meet me but simply shrugged when I shouted with enormous tact, "I HOPE IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE I'M CHATTING UP YOUR HUSBAND!" Instead of shoving my glow-in-the-dark-willie up my derriere she waved her hand in an apparent lack of concern. It then hit home to me that in a place where occasions to chat to the opposite sex are about as common as caffe lattes you let the leash out a fair bit. Nevertheless I felt distinctly uncomfortable for the rest of the night as I regularly spied Adam staring at me from across the room with the sort of wide-open longing I get when I see a chocolate fountain.
A Glow-in-the-Dark-Willie in action
Soon a game began of grab-the-boiled-egg-out-of-the-swimming-pool-filled-with-jelly-and-tough-luck-if-you-pick-a-raw-one in which a plucky jillaroo won. Her chances of survival had been pretty slim as four full-grown men dove headfirst into the toddler's pool with her. I personally felt she also deserved a Medal of Bravery.
Then there was a true outback party game called we-couldn't-afford-a-mechanical-bull-so-pretend-you-are-riding-one-and-the-best-impression-wins. After this I joined in a game of limbo which didn't last very long for me because I had just downed a schooner-sized Blue Lagoon after they ran out of cocktail glasses - I called it a Blue $*@# Ocean and drank it like the proverbial fish.
After a couple of daiquiris I hit the dancefloor with some of the girls. Then Nick danced with me in a quaint, old-fashioned two-step with plenty of twirling and a warm embrace at the end. "Thank you darling." I whispered in his ear, feeling positive that a man who has biceps the size of telegraph poles, and irons his jeans must be thorougly playing the other side of the paddock. But soon after, a girl who had befriended me said, "He's shagging that girl." and nodded in the direction of someone who was definitely female and most definitely not his 'wife'.
What I quickly realised was that in this tight-knit community there was no running from your past. My friend had a boyfriend who was draped over another girl quite suggestively on the dancefloor. I joked, "Maybe he needs a New Year's Resolution not to dance with other girls." She replied with resignation, "He was going out with her when we hooked up so..." The rest was lost in the noise but I could fill in the gaps for myself. In a small population of eligible partners a certain amount of tolerance was required to keep the community together. Caring is sharing after all.
At 7am I stumbled into my train carriage. Completely composed, I bumped my way down the corridor walls until I realised I had gone the wrong way. After trying both directions twice, I finally fell against the wall of the bathroom and enjoyed a sobering wash. I then slithered into my bunk and remained there for much of the trip home. Here's to the outback and here's to 2007. May your bore water never smell like blood and may your glow stick willies shine on forever...
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Happy New Year!
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